The Social Side of Stress: Carly Simon’s Courageous Moment
Stress and anxiety are often misunderstood—related but not identical. But did you know that both can actually make you more social?Carly Simon’s moment on stage is the perfect example.
When Stress Leads to Connection
During a memorable performance, Carly Simon faced an overwhelming anxiety attack. She had two choices:
1️⃣ Leave the stage and disappoint her audience.
2️⃣ Share her vulnerability and risk their rejection.
She chose the latter.
Instead of hiding her fear, she spoke it out loud: “I’m having an anxiety attack.” And to her surprise, the crowd didn’t turn away—they leaned in. They responded with resounding support.
This moment highlights something powerful: stress doesn’t always isolate us—it can actually bring us closer.
The Science of "Tend & Befriend" (How Stress Builds Social Bonds)
When we think of the stress response, we usually picture fight or flight—our body preparing for danger. But there’s another response that’s just as wired into our biology:
Tend & Befriend → Under stress, especially in moments of uncertainty, our nervous system may push us toward connection instead of avoidance.
Studies show that stress can trigger the release of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone.” This encourages:
✔ Seeking support from others
✔ Strengthening relationships
✔ Responding with compassion & care
Carly Simon’s choice to name her fear out loud allowed an entire crowd to step into this response, turning a moment of personal panic into collective connection.
It’s a reminder that vulnerability—even in stress—can be a bridge, not a barrier.
Stress vs. Anxiety: What’s the Difference?
Stress → A response to a specific external trigger (e.g., a deadline, a speech). It resolves once the situation is over.
Anxiety → A more persistent feeling of unease, often without a clear trigger. It lingers even after a stressful event ends.
Knowing the difference can help you respond more intentionally. Stress can often be managed by addressing the trigger, while anxiety may require long-term strategies like mindset shifts or support systems.
How to Turn Stress into Connection (Like Carly Did)
The next time stress makes you want to shut down, try one of these shifts instead:
Naming It, Not Resisting It
Instead of hiding your stress, try saying: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.”
Acknowledging it out loud (even just to yourself) releases tension and invites support.
Shift from "Me vs. the World" to "Who Can I Lean On?"
If you’re feeling stressed, ask: “Who can I reach out to for support?”
Even sending a simple text can activate the "Tend & Befriend" response and shift your nervous system.
Offer the Connection You Crave
Stressed people often feel alone—but so do others.
Try asking “How are you holding up?” to a friend.
Giving connection strengthens your own sense of support, too.
What’s Your Experience?
Have you ever had a moment where stress led to deeper connection instead of isolation?
How do you typically respond to stress—do you lean in or pull away?
A friendly remember: Stress isn’t always a wall. Sometimes, it’s a doorway.
With you every step,
Jessica